Okay, so today's post is a direct response to this blog which you really should check out. This gal has challenged and encouraged me more than she'll probably ever know, and this post of hers kinda awakened something in me which I have been pushing down as far as I can. although I have mentioned it at times to one or two close friends.
In direct response to Lindsay, there have been many times when I have really struggled with just how relevant the Bible is to me. I find it hard to carve out time - or maybe it's to carve out the desire to open it up. Many people say the morning is the best time etc. etc. but for me, the morning isn't the best time for anything! And so it goes on and on in circles.
Connected to all that, the past 2 and a half years have been a time of monumental struggle within me, as I dealt with the fallout over my failed attempts just to stay in this country. It became harder and harder to deal with what was happening to me, and I became more and more convinced that God was against me. I closed up. Prayer became a chore that I did not want to do. Corporate prayer became something of a nightmare. As I perceived my life to be falling off the rails, exactly the same thing was happening with my relationship with God.
I found myself making some bad choices and feeling I was letting God down in a big way. Well now of course I had a reason why God might be mad at me. I found myself on the platform at church, leading worship week-in and week-out feeling dry and empty, and wondering why everyone else seemed to be having a totally amazing time with God - who I couldn't see anywhere. Add to that I was working for a Christian radio station, trying to encourage listeners with a truth that I wasn't sure about.
I'm not going to pretend things are all better now. I am reading the Bible daily, and finding a great deal in Genesis that I can grab a hold of, especially the story of Joseph, which I am nearing the end of.
I still find prayer hard. I still have empty days on the platform. I still have days when I wonder what God is up to. BUT, as the past days' blogs may reveal, I have some perspective on what's happening, I have amazing prayers from amazing prayer warriors the world over, and I am talking to people about what's going through my head.
Maybe it was my own pride that told me that I deserved for everything to work out here. Maybe I was complacent to think that all my visas would come into line and I'd sail away into the sunset on a tide of bliss and comfort. Unfortunately for me, I forgot that's not the way God works. I can easily ask myself why, at age 48, I am still not "settled" - whatever that is! In fact I'm probably more unsettled now than I've ever been.
God has nothing to answer for. My life is his. It's his world. I have just to follow and obey. It's a daily struggle, but I think I'm starting to see an end to the spiritual fog...just maybe.